How can I be curious with my partner?

While reading this, ask yourself: How much curiosity do I practice in my relationships?

Working on communication in a long term relationship is something no one sat us down and taught us, and so in couple’s therapy we work from the ground up to understand what curiosity in communication even looks like. Over time, we start assuming our partner's thoughts, feelings, and desires. Our brain doesn’t want to exert more energy than it has to, so when we are around others for a long time and pick up on “patterns,” our brain says “ok, we have that one figured out!” and stop being curious. We stop asking, and start assuming.

We don't know everything about our partner. Being curious about our partner means leaning into uncertainty & mystery.

Here are a few tips and reminders of how to practice curiosity.

1. Ask, and be specific.
   "How was your day?" is good... "How was the meeting you had this morning?" is better.

2. Ask open-ended questions
   Try starting with "How are you feeling about..." , "Tell me about..." , and "Why do you think..."

3. Lean in to learn more!
   Continue asking follow-up questions based on what your partner has shared.

4. Stay present and physically engaged
   Keep eye contact with your partner, and avoid distractions like your phone.

5. Help them feel seen & heard.
   Try rephrasing and reflecting back. For example, "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated and stuck."

6. Ask Beyond the Day-to-Day
   Explore beyond how their day went. Discover more about what they love, aspire to, miss, fear, appreciate...

Part of staying curious is accepting that there is uncertainty, and that there is much more left to learn. This is one of the larger underlying themes of relationship therapy, and one of the bigger tools we practice together in the clinic.

Enjoy the exploration!